By Claudia Saide | Image via Harper’s Bazaar
Sometimes I’m like the human version of Curious George—once something sparks my interest, it eats away at me until I get to experience it. This, as you might imagine, has led me down some seriously strange (and at times, pretty dangerous) paths. And being that for the second time this year I’m doing Alejandro Junger’s Clean Program (it’s this seriously intense yet awesome diet and lifestyle) I figured I’d go the extra mile. In his book he talks about some ways the human body can cleanse itself besides for just dieting. He mentions meditation, yoga, and among other things hydro colon therapy (aka. colonics). Yep, the dude is huge on colonics, and while the first time I skipped this part, this time I couldn’t resist. I had to know what it was like, even if it meant having some stranger administer something into my colon. Would this or wouldn’t this cleanse me (ie. make me shed pounds faster).
So I brought it up to a friend who is also a big Dr. Junger fan, and off we went to have hoses shoved in our butts, all in the name of our health (ha). And if you’re wondering what the actual procedure felt like, it was basically like having diarrhea for forty-five minutes, except even though your stomach is having that ‘I have to go to the bathroom’ sensation, you don’t actually get to do that. Nope, but the woman giving you the colonic (aka. the woman who’s watching shit come out of your bottom through a giant hose) assures you that it’s all coming out, and that when it’s over the stomachache will go away, and that you’ll feel so amazing, and that you’ll have lost five pounds, and that my do you eat a lot of vegetables, and that wow this looks so great (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried). Oh, and then as your stomach cramping gets more intense, the colonic admin will start to push on it because pushing on it helps to move things out of your ass more effectively (I know, I know).
Then either the forty-five minutes are up or your colon has nothing left inside (whichever happens first), and the colonic is over, which is when you finally get to sit on a toilet in order to ‘rid yourself of anything else that might still be in there’ (although there’s honestly nada). And then you get dressed, and you walk out of the room and start cracking up when you see your friend who was having her ass cleansed right next door, and you realize that the stomachache is indeed gone. Then a few hours later you notice that your stomach does in fact look flatter, and that you just feel so much lighter, which makes sense because you basically just drained your body of any crap that you’ve accumulated over the years.
And then you realize that you actually just wrote a story about having a colonic, and you think your nuts, but then you remember why you wrote the story in the first place: Because you wanted the world to know if having a foreign object shoved into your butt for forty-five seriously uncomfortable minutes is worth it or not. And boy oh boy it absolutely was. Because guess what? Those skin-tight skinny jeans that wouldn’t button pre-colonic started to fit. Blame it on the diet if you want to, but that colonic definitely did something (even if it just did something to my head). I’m telling you though, I really do feel thinner, and I’m pretty sure I look that way too.
As for my friend, she enjoyed it so much that she already wants to go back. In my opinion though, her ass probably could use a little break.
Blame it on the diet if you want to, but that colonic definitely did something.