Fashion Bikinis? No Thanks. Never Again.

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Fashion Bikinis? No Thanks. Never Again.

Can someone please explain to me what the point is of a swimsuit that you can’t wear in water? Because personally, I find it absolutely ridiculous. I’m all for expressing yourself with your clothing, but a swimsuit? Isn’t that supposed to be like, 99.9% functional? I’m having a really tough time comprehending why such a thing even exists. I mean, they’re called swimsuits for a reason, aren’t they?

What kills me the most, I think, is that I had to find about these so-called ‘fashion bikinis’ the hard way. And sure, maybe that is why I’m so bitter, but regardless, if I had known that the crochet bikini I bought back in March wasn’t exactly waterproof, I would have never dropped the $200 I did on the damn thing. And again, I’m all about ridiculous purchases, but buying a bikini that can’t get wet is like buying a raincoat that doesn’t protect your clothing from the rain. What’s the point?

Back to why I’m so agitated. I literally wore this bikini once in Aruba, and of course that was the day that I ended up getting dragged into the pool by my three-year old (I avoid pools at all costs—the urine freaks me out). After I’d gotten out, I noticed that it was just not drying. And trust me, Aruba is a sweltering island—swimsuits should dry in two seconds. But then again, I guess that rule only applies to normal swimsuits that are meant to be used while swimming.

So after sitting in a wet bikini for more than a few hours (is there anything worse?), I decided to go back to my hotel room to change, and hang the thing out in the sun to dry. That was at approximately 3pm. It hadn’t even fully dried by 8am the next day.

Disaster.

Not sure why I didn’t figure out just how ridiculous that crochet bikini was then—perhaps I was so blinded by its beauty. And it’s funny, because what I did notice— although pretended not to—was the fact that the color seemed to fade quite a bit after my little dip. Pre-pool it was a bright and sunny marigold. Post-pool it was more of a washed out ochre.

Memorial Day weekend rolls in, and I’m stoked because I can finally wear the (heavily faded) crochet bikini that I loved so much again. But when I went to pull it out of my drawer, I also pulled the strings that held the bottom together right off. All I did was touch the damn thing and it fell apart in my hands.

My initial reaction? What. The. Fuck.

Then after a week of contemplation, I had this serious light-bulb moment: Ohhhhhhh, so that’s what people meant by ‘fashion swimsuits’. The concept was so preposterous to me that I never even allowed it to cross my mind. But yeah, I guess there really is such a thing.

Just wish I knew that before I ruined a $200 bikini.

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I’m all for expressing yourself with your clothing, but a swimsuit? Isn’t that supposed to be like, 99.9% functional?

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crochet bikini: Kiini

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